Why Do I Keep Dating Someone Who’s Married?
You don’t set out to fall for someone who’s unavailable. But somehow, it keeps happening. Maybe they say, “It’s complicated” or “We’re basically separated.” Maybe they make you feel seen in a way no one else has. But deep down, a part of you might wonder:
Why do I keep getting pulled into relationships with people who aren’t fully available?
This isn’t about judgment—it’s about curiosity. And it’s often a sign that something deeper is trying to get your attention.
Emotional Unavailability Feels Familiar
From a trauma-informed lens, we often repeat what feels familiar, not necessarily what’s healthy. If love growing up was inconsistent, conditional, or confusing—your nervous system may have learned to equate longing and unpredictability with love.
Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading researchers in relationship psychology, emphasizes that emotional attunement—the ability to be present and responsive—is what builds real intimacy. But if you’re dating someone who’s married, you're in a dynamic where real emotional attunement is always going to be limited.
And yet… the scarcity of connection can make it feel even more intoxicating.
Attachment Wounds & Repetition
According to attachment theory (which Gottman often references), we subconsciously replay early attachment wounds in adulthood—hoping, this time, it will end differently.
If love once meant earning someone’s attention, you might now feel drawn to emotionally unavailable partners.
If you had to compete for affection or suppress your needs, being “the other person” may feel like a role your nervous system already knows how to play.
This isn’t about blame. It’s about survival patterns that once helped you cope—but now may be keeping you stuck in cycles of pain.
Why the Relationship Feels So Intense
Infidelity studies show that secret relationships often feel more emotionally charged because of something called “the forbidden fruit effect.” The secrecy, the highs and lows, and the fantasy of what could be create a potent emotional cocktail—one that can mask the lack of true safety and commitment underneath.
In fact, Gottman research shows that the strongest predictors of long-term relationship success are trust, commitment, and shared goals. A relationship built on secrecy, hiding, or divided loyalty struggles to build these essential foundations.
So… What’s This Pattern Really About?
Here are a few gentle questions to reflect on:
What does this relationship help me avoid feeling or facing in myself?
Is there a younger version of me that this dynamic feels familiar to?
What would a truly available love feel like—and would I know how to receive it?
Often, healing this pattern requires going inward—not just focusing on the partner, but exploring your own beliefs about love, worthiness, and what feels “safe.”
Healing Means Creating a New Template
If you recognize yourself in this pattern, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken.
Healing means:
Becoming aware of the emotional patterns that drive attraction
Grieving what wasn’t modeled or given to you
Rewiring your nervous system to feel safe in real connection, not just intensity
Therapies like EMDR or Gottman-informed relationship work can help you gently explore these deeper patterns and begin choosing relationships that are truly nourishing—where you don’t have to wait, compete, or hide.
You Deserve a Love That’s Fully Available
You deserve to be loved in the daylight. Fully, without exception. That kind of love may feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable at first—but it’s real. And it’s worth unlearning the patterns that have kept you chasing after something that was never fully yours.
Curious whether EMDR is the right next step for your healing journey?
I offer virtual EMDR therapy to adults throughout California and Nevada, with a focus on trauma recovery, nervous system healing, and lasting change.
📍 Learn more or schedule a consultation at: www.MyEMDRLA.com
Michelle Nosrati, LCSW
Trauma Specialist | EMDR Therapist
Licensed in California & Nevada
Secure Telehealth Services Available
www.MyEMDRLA.com
Research & References
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
→ Explores trust, commitment, emotional attunement, and predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction.Zhang, X., & van Steenbergen, E. F. (2021). "Infidelity and Relationship Quality: A Meta-Analytic Review." Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
→ Explains emotional intensity and instability in affairs.Weiser, D. A., & Weigel, D. J. (2017). “Exploring Intergenerational Transmission of Infidelity.” Personal Relationships, 24(1), 138–153.
→ Describes how witnessing infidelity in caregivers can normalize secrecy and emotional unavailability in adult relationships.Birnbaum, G. E. (2007). "Attachment Orientations and Emotional and Sexual Infidelity." Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
→ Links between anxious/avoidant attachment and infidelity dynamics.