Why Do I Over-Apologize—and How Can I Fix It?
Do you catch yourself saying “sorry” all the time—sometimes even when you’ve done nothing wrong? Maybe you apologize for taking up space, for asking a question, or for simply existing in someone’s way. Over-apologizing is a common survival strategy, especially for people who’ve lived through trauma, dysfunctional family dynamics, or emotionally unsafe relationships.
The good news: once you understand why you do it, you can start learning new ways to speak and move through the world without carrying constant guilt.
Why We Over-Apologize
Over-apologizing usually comes from old survival patterns. If you grew up in a home where mistakes weren’t safe, or where love felt conditional, your nervous system may have learned: If I keep the peace, I’ll be okay.
Some common roots of chronic apologizing include:
Childhood trauma or abuse – When caregivers were unpredictable, saying “sorry” became a way to avoid punishment or conflict.
People-pleasing – Apologizing can feel like a shortcut to keeping others happy, even at your own expense.
Low self-worth – Deep down, you may believe you’re always “in the way” or “too much.”
Anxiety – Apologizing sometimes acts as a release valve, lowering the fear of rejection or criticism.
Example: You bump into someone at the grocery store and immediately say, “Sorry, sorry, sorry!”—even though it was a harmless accident. Or you start emails with, “Sorry to bother you…” even when your request is reasonable.
How Over-Apologizing Affects You
At first, apologizing can feel polite or safe. But over time, it takes a toll:
You may feel smaller, like your needs don’t matter.
Others might take advantage of your tendency to always “take the blame.”
Your words lose weight—when you really need to apologize, it may not feel as meaningful.
How to Break the Pattern
Changing this habit doesn’t mean swinging to the other extreme and never apologizing. It means learning to apologize when it’s necessary—and finding healthier ways to express yourself the rest of the time.
Here are some gentle shifts you can try:
1. Pause Before Saying “Sorry”
Notice if the situation really calls for an apology. Did you actually do something wrong, or are you just feeling anxious?
2. Replace “Sorry” With Gratitude
Instead of: “Sorry I’m late.”
Try: “Thank you for waiting for me.”
Instead of: “Sorry to bother you.”
Try: “I appreciate your time.”
3. Name What You Really Mean
Often “sorry” is code for another feeling—like nervousness or worry. Try saying what’s true:
“I feel anxious asking this.”
“I hope this isn’t inconvenient.”
4. Practice Grounding & Self-Worth
Remind yourself: I am allowed to take up space. My needs matter. I don’t have to shrink to keep others comfortable.
5. Healing the Root
Patterns like over-apologizing don’t form overnight, and they rarely change with quick tips alone. Therapies like EMDR help reprocess the old experiences that taught you to feel unsafe being yourself, so your nervous system can learn new ways of responding.
Over-apologizing is not a character flaw—it’s a survival strategy that once helped you stay safe. The fact that you recognize it now is a powerful first step. With practice, compassion, and support, you can learn to speak with confidence, own your needs, and save “I’m sorry” for when you truly mean it.
Curious whether EMDR is the right next step for your healing journey?
I offer virtual EMDR therapy to adults throughout California and Nevada, with a focus on trauma recovery, nervous system healing, and lasting change.
📍 Learn more or schedule a consultation at: www.MyEMDRLA.com
Michelle Nosrati, LCSW
Trauma Specialist | EMDR Therapist
Licensed in California & Nevada
Secure Telehealth Services Available
www.MyEMDRLA.com